When the Algorithm Causes Fear
Or how mom shaming is plastered on the internet for all to feel judged by
I've been meaning to write for awhile now.
No, this isn't some "I'm so sorry I've been absent" type of post. I hate those. Those apologies always come across as more for the writer than the audience, and that's not something I'm about. Obviously it's my fault I haven't been writing much, and if you were counting on my posts then feel free to hit me up and we can chat about the last couple of months.
I am not going to sit here and apologize, but I think this absence has to be noted for what I'm going to write about. This all has to do with what I've seen during my time away, and how it's honestly messed with my brain.
So let's get a few things out of the way (ok, so this is actually a big life change and I just made it seem pretty minor).
I'm pregnant!
There were no post on any of my social media pages declaring a pregnancy. I think if you follow me anywhere I've just started referring to it, but I never made one giant post to tell everyone about it. So if you are sitting there wondering if you missed something just know that you did not. I'm not trying to hide it. I'm incredibly excited for so many reasons, but I also am very hesitant about sharing my child on social media and that seemed to start right away with an announcement. But don't you worry, the algorithm found out really fast and scared me away from just about everything.
I started making note of all these posts that drove me nuts in my 1st trimester, when less than a handful of people knew I was expecting. It's crazy how quickly the algorithm picks up on things. Obviously since the minute I saw that positive pregnancy test and had it confirmed I was instantly on a hunt to learn more. I wanted to know what changes I would be going through (because our education system does a terrible job of informing young women what their bodies are capable of), what I could expect in the coming weeks and months, things I needed to be doing for the health of my baby, all of that.
I got some answers, sure. But I also got a WAVE of insanity.
Before I dive in to this I want to say that this is my first child. I know that I probably have some ideas of parenting and all that is to be expected of my life going forward that are unrealistic. I'm trying to keep an open mind to things as I prepare. I also know that pregnancy shaming, mom shaming, parent shaming, and all of that is not a new thing. We've been trying to make moms and parents feel guilty for forever, it's just becoming a bit more in your face when you open any social media app.
So what did the internet give me after discovering I was pregnant before my own mother had it confirmed? How did it terrify me and make me want to hide under a blanket in a dark room? Here are some things that were thrown at me during that first trimester…
You either love or hate your pregnancy. There seems to be no room for those of us in the middle, who don't love or hate it. Apparently we are doing it wrong and should either be basking in the glow of pregnancy or puking our guts out and hating life. The middle ground does not exist.
The horror stories come in fast, like too fast. It's good to be aware of possibilities, it's just not reassuring in the 1st trimester. Why are these posts so quickly recommended? If you are one that has had a terrible pregnancy or suffered from any of these horror stories I apologize. My heart truly goes out to you. I just feel like there is a time and place for these stories, and the time and place was not a week after finding out I was pregnant.
The "you say you'll do this, but that's a lie" posts. This in particular is in reference to parents and screen time. If someone says they aren't allowing their kid screen time then who cares? It's literally none of your business, and it's not your business to tell future parents who are thinking about little to no screen time that they're wrong. Just about every other parenting post had this idea of “the things I said I’d never do as a parent vs what happens when the kid actually comes” and it just bothers me. Let people figure this stuff out for their own family on their own without adding any sort of shame to it. I am not commenting on my feeling towards screen time, I'm just blown away but how much I saw people shaming anyone for thinking about the whole no screen time thing.
The husband shaming posts that really seem to be airing out a family's dirty laundry. In general, I am not a fan of husband shaming. Obviously there are times where your spouse does something that drives you crazy, but I bet you also do stuff that drives your spouse crazy. Sure, I can find the humor in a few of the more minor ones (like my husband not using a hamper…I don't get it), but some of them go really far and make one parent seem superior to the other. Makes me cringe a little.
Wine moms, so many wine moms. I just don't understand the culture of "my kid drove me to drink today" or "a drink is all I have to look forward to." I feel like that's not a funny joke at all, and I feel bad for the kids more than anything. I have more opinions on this one, but honestly these posts just aren’t something I need to see, ever. Especially during the first trimester when I'm a little anxious and keep thinking a cocktail would just be so nice.
ALL of the "you're life is no longer yours posts." Just please…it's the first trimester. I'm still reminding myself I'm pregnant. Even in the 2nd trimester I don't really want to hear this. Yes, my life is going to change. I am fully aware of that. My priorities are going to change. I see this as an opportunity for growth too though, so why are you trying to scare me in to some sort of anxious depression before I even have the child? Why are you trying to make me dread parenthood before it even starts?
ALL THE MATERNITY CLOTHES THAT ARE CLEARLY A RIP OFF. I guess I just don't understand why adding an elastic waistline that expands means that jeans should cost anywhere from $25-$40 more than a normal pair of jeans. Then there's the inseam length, because apparently pregnant women with long legs don't exist…I could go on. I’m pretty bitter about this particular point honestly.
All the "baby doesn't need much" posts that are quickly followed by the "YOU NEED THIS FOR YOUR BABY" posts. Ok, sure there are a lot of extra things people are getting to care for their baby. As I'm making my registry I'm sitting here thinking about how I don't know anything. I don't know what my baby will or won't like. I don't know what the weather will truly be like in this insane state. I know nothing. None of us are truly experts, are we? These posts end up feeding more on my stress and anxiety than anything.
SO much fear porn. Seriously, there were just so many posts that felt like they were trying to push anyone in my shoes to the point of fear. I just don't understand how the algorithm went to "let's scare this person out of pregnancy and parenthood" right away instead of anything even remotely helpful.
Like I've already said, I get that all of these things aren't new. It's not a new thing to shame pregnant women and mothers, but man was I not prepared for it to be on social media. I was expecting comments from people I know, or random people I see out and about. I was not expecting to have every other posts be filled with different ways to make me feel inadequate. I mean, should I be surprised though? It feels like that’s mostly what social media does these days. It forces you to feel judged about your choices. But it was still so shocking when I was really experiencing it right away. It's so sad how so many of these posts serve up a heave dosage of implied judgement, guilt, stress, and anxiety. It's also really sad how quickly I was exposed to the toxic side of pregnancy and motherhood on Instagram. It seemed to take absolutely no time at all.
Thankfully I have been able to kind of clean house on my feed and have found some good resources. I knew they were out there, I just wish they were shown to me right away instead of all of things things that drug me down. It’s nice to finally find my niche again, but man was it hard to get there.
I think it all broke my brain honestly. And a broken brain meant I couldn’t focus on reading, couldn’t focus on writing, honestly I couldn’t focus on much of anything besides making sure I was fed. There really wasn’t any room for anything else for the longest time. I hope I can get some of that back, but for now I’m just happy that my social media experiences are not making me curl up in the fetal position anymore.
And yes, if you were wondering, I have also been exposed to the crunchy/non-toxic pregnancy and motherhood side of social media. Another one that can definitely get a little extreme and has exposed some toxic parts (ironic when they consider themselves non-toxic right?). Somehow they ushered me in at a calmer pace than the wine moms did…